Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom". Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend." A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!" ------------------------------------------------------ Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some condoms. The chemist puts a pack of condoms on the counter. Johnny looks at the condoms and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack. "Nah," says Johnny, "what else do you have?" "Well," the chemist replies, "the only other kind that I have are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know what these will do to a woman?" Little Johnny says, "No... but they'll make a goat jump about two feet off of the ground!"
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says.. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
Next time your girlfriend, wife or mistress asks for a fur coat, give her a mouse trap and tell her it's a starter kit.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "I want you to use the word contagious in a sentence. Does anyone have a sentence ?" Little Johnny waves his hand madly, but the teacher chooses little Mary. Little Mary says "My mommy wouldn't let me go to school when I was sick because she said I was contagious" The teacher smiles and says "Well done Mary. Anyone else ?" Little Johnny waves his hand again, and the teacher finally calls on him. Little Johhny says "I was driving past a construction site with my dad the other day, and there was a bloke trying to move 10 tonne of soil by himself. Thats when my dad said it was going to take that contagious"
Not Funny We've just had a run of bad luck thats all. ----------------------------------------------- The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. ---------------------------------------------------- Why are chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great watching one fall down a flight of stairs.
Just to wind you up a little more A little boy gets ten pounds for his birthday and rushes down to the the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gets the ball down from the rack and gives the shopkeeper his ten pounds. "Sorry son", says the shopkeeper. "This ball costs twenty pounds, but you've only got ten pounds." Thinking quickly, the boy looks up at the club balls & says, "Ok. If you blindfold me and I guess the ball will you let me have the ball for ten pounds?" The shopkeeper curiously agrees, and blindfolds the boy. First up he gives the boy an Arsenal ball. "Ok," says the boy placing his ear to the ball. "I can hear the blasting of two cannons. This must be an Arsenal ball." "That was a lucky guess," said the shopkeeper. "Lets try another one." So he hands him a Millwall ball. "Ok," says the boy placing his ear to the ball again. "I can hear a pack of rampant lions. It must be a Millwall ball." "Goodness me!" says the shopkeeper. "If you get the next one right I'll let you have the ball for nothing." and passes him another ball. Again the boy puts the ball to his ear and after a few moments he says, "That's a Tottenham ball." "I don't believe it!" shouts the shopkeeper. "How on earth did you get that one? I suppose you heard a cockerel crowing?" "No," said the boy. "It's going down."
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother" The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"
Got this today, too good not to share INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
Obama is moving into the White House with his family. This includes his wife, their two children and his mother-in-law. Spoiler Obama may have to rethink shutting down Gitmo!
Man walks into a pub carrying a brown bag. Landlord asks: "What's in the bag?" The man reaches into the bag and takes out a tiny piano, and puts it on the counter. He takes out a tiny stool, and puts it in front of the piano. He takes out a tiny man, dressed in bow tie and tails, who, once put down on the counter, solemny proceeds to arrange himself in front of the piano and starts to play. Soon the whole pub is hushed as everybody listens to the most sublime rendition of a classical piece of music. "That's AMAZING!" extolls the landlord. "Where did you get him?!?" The man again reaches into the bag and takes out an ancient, dusty bronze oil lamp, looking like it came straight out of Arabian Nights. He tells the landlord: "Go on, rub the lamp". The landlord rubs the lamp and promptly, a genie appears out of thin air with a loud "poof!" and says: "Command me, oh master; what is your wish?" The landlord now very exited, exclaims: "I want a million bucks!" "It is done!", says the genie, and disappears again. Soon after, a duck walks into the pub. And another duck walks into the pub. And another one... ...and another one... ...and another... ...and another... ...and so on until quite soon, the whole pub is crammed full with ducks everywhere! "Hang on!" protests the landlord, "I didn't ask for a million ducks, I asked for a million bucks!" The man looks at him annoyed and says: "And you think I asked for a nine-inch pianist?!?"
George Bush was sat in the oval office one day when his commander in chief came running in. "Sir!" "Yes Commander?" "It's terrible Sir, four Brazilian soldiers have just been killed in Iraq, its a public relations nightmare..." "I can see that commander, now remind me again - How many's a Brazilian?"
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, "What is your name?" "My name is Bob", says the boy. "And what is your question, Bob?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you president when al gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?" Just then, the bell rings for recess. George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "Ok where were we? Oh, that's right. Question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy raises his hand. George points him out and asked him "what is your name?" "My name is Steve" says the boy. "And what is your question Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN? Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama bin laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? Fifth, where is Bob? ---------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, when he finally leaves office, George Bush will be using the spare time to finish his book. He's dying to find out where Spot's hiding.
