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LOL Your best joke

Discussion in 'General' started by sotu1, 22 Aug 2008.

  1. Ryu_ookami

    Ryu_ookami I write therefore I suffer.

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    Americans have different ways of saying things.

    They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

    Night falls.

    First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

    "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

    Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

    "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

    Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

    "What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

    So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

    "Are you taking the p***!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

    The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

    "Alright, alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!
    ---------------------------------------------------------

    I like this prank- go to google, type "French Military Victories" in the search box, and hit "I'm feeling lucky." See what comes up....

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    i was bored so i decided to raid sickapedia
     
    Last edited: 17 Nov 2008
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  2. mvagusta

    mvagusta Did a skid that went for two weeks.

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    A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But let’s see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program.

    He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company; he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.

    Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 days, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? Asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. Haven’t felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound man dressed in nothing but racing shoes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, if I can catch you, I can have you.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in
    the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
    The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
    The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything the sofa, the
    cat, the kid but the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the
    middle of my owner's bed."

    The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?" The Boxer
    said sadly, "Lethal injection,"


    The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are
    you here?" The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig
    up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I
    dig up the carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great
    big hole in my owner's couch."

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
    "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.

    The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at
    the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump
    anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever.
    I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten
    out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just
    couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

    The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal
    injection for you too, huh?"

    The Doberman says, "No, no, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
     
  3. Thacrudd

    Thacrudd Where's the any key?!?

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    Want to know who your real friends are? Put your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car. Come back and hour later and open it up and see who's happy to see you.
     
  4. Bauul

    Bauul Sir Bongaminge

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    Necrothread I know, but it already existed and I think it's worth a bit of a revival. The demot thread has just become too NSFW!

    Anyway, it's probably an old one but I heard it today and it made me giggle:

    A Pizza with radius Z and crust-height A has a volume calculated by Pi*Z*Z*A.
     
  5. Thacrudd

    Thacrudd Where's the any key?!?

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    Jim walked into a bar in an unfamiliar town. He sat down and ordered a drink and said to the bartender "so where can I get a woman around here?"
    The bartender replies "we don't have any women in this ghost town, but we've got Ol' Pete"
    Jim said "nah, I'm not into that." and drank his beer.
    A few minutes pass and jim asks again "you sure you don't have any women here?"
    "Nope, sure don't. I told you though, we've got Ol' Pete"
    Jim just said "No, I just not into that" again and drank another couple beers.
    After a bit he looks at the bartender and says "well, if you're sure there ain't any women around here, how many people would know if I got Ol' Pete?
    The bartender said "You, Me, and those two guys over there." Pointing at a table across the room.
    "Why would those two guys have to know?" said Jim
    "Well," said the bartender, "Ol' Pete ain't really that into it either."
     
  6. Shuriken

    Shuriken same christmas AV for a whole year

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    Holy thread revival batman! Now for a joke:

    Q. What's brown and rhymes with 'snoop'?

    A. Dr. Dre
     
  7. Fisher.

    Fisher. partially impartial

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    Did you hear that Rihanna is dating Matt Stafford?

    She feels safe because
    he's not beating anyone this year
    :D

    For those that don't know: Read the first paragraph or so
     
  8. Mr Happy

    Mr Happy 4 8 15 16 23 42

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    What did the fish say when it swam into the wall

    Dam!
     
  9. ModMinded

    ModMinded Are you throwing that away?

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    lol!

    And yay for the revival!
     
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  10. julianmartin

    julianmartin resident cyborg.

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    what do you call an epileptic in a bush?



    russel.
     
  11. Journeyer

    Journeyer Minimodder

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    The traveling salesman had just married the girl of his dream - a true knockout, and a nymphomaniac at that. However, after their honeymoon it was time for him to get back to work, and he was a little worried as to whether or not his wife would be able to keep on the straight and narrow when he was away on business. So he went into a sex-shop and asked the clerk for some good accessories that would keep her busy while he was away earning a living.

    Sure enough, the clerk showed him many different vibrating eggs, dildos, balls and other paraphernalia made for women needing to get their rocks off when their fella is out of town. However, knowing her apetite, he wasn't convinced any of these would do the job sufficiently. So he said to the clerk; "sure, this is all well and good, but don't you have anything better or more excessive?"

    "Well" said the clerk, "there is this one thing, but it is sort of dangerous. It is, however, the best thing to hit the market for manual sexual satisfaction since the rise of civilization. It is a pure marvel of genital technology dreamt up by those vackos in Japan."

    Intrigued, but not entirely convinced, the salesman said "well, let me have a look. If it's anything like these other gizmos you've got here I'm not so sure..."

    So the clerk pulled a small case from inside a locked safe behind the counter. The case itself was painted in flat black with the words "Magic Dick" embossed on it in gloss black. "This is the magic dick" he said, and proceeded to open the case. Inside sat a small silver vibrator - sleek and shiny, but otherwise seemingly quite ordinary.

    "This little device will accomodate anyone and anything, and it is fully voice operated" the clerk said. "It is, however, a little expensive at $1000 per unit, but I guarantee that it will keep your wife satiated and happy while you're away on business."

    "A thousand?" The salesman half shouted. "How can it be worth a thousand?"
    "Well..." the clerk said, "how about a demonstration?" The salesman agreed that this was a good idea, but couldn't quite see how he could go about it. The clerk pointed at something outside the shop... "see that dog out there? The female lab?" The salesman did see it, and told him so, whereupon the clerk took the vibrator from its case and said "magic dick - dogs *****!"

    And the vibrator flew out of the clerk's hand, straight out the door and proceeded to f**k the dog half to death before coming back to rest in it's case. The dog walked on on unsteady leags, tounge hanging from his mouth like a wet blanket.

    "Wow!" The salesman said, "I'll take it!"

    So he bought the wonder of technology and brought it home to his missus who was as sceptical as he was initially. However, she agreed to give it a whirl when he had to go away on business the next day.

    The next day the salesman left feeling secure about his wife.
    She on the other hand awoke horny as she did most days, and looked at the sleek silvery ***** her husband had bought for her. He had told her how to activate it, so she removed it from the case and said while holding it gently in her hand "Magic Dick - my pu**y!" And it flew out of her hand and proceeded to f**k her silly.

    Now, the problem was that she didn't know how to deactivate it, nor had her husband been told by the clerk at the sex shop how to turn it off. So it just kept on going, and she came and came again for hours on end until she started to get tired, thirsty and hungry. Still it just kept going at her - relentlessly.

    As she didn't know what to do about it she decided to try to get herself to the emergency room and have it removed. She got in her car and drove erratically down the highway, swerving this way and that, all the while the magic dick kept up it's frantic pace. Eventually she got pulled over by a highway patrolman, who gestured for her to roll her window down.

    "What's the problem here ma'am?" He said, looking at this woman who were clutching the steering wheel, panting, sweating and groaning. She explained the situation as best she could, telling him about the Magic Dick and the problem she's having.

    The patrolman answered with disbelief;
    "Magic Dick my ass!"
     
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  12. cjmUK

    cjmUK Old git.

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    A kid comes home from school with some English homework...
    'Dad, I need to find out the difference between Potential and Reality; can you help me?'
    'Well, son - perhaps it's easier to demonstrate. Follow me...'

    They approach the mother.
    'Be honest; would you shag Robert Redford for a million quid?'
    'Er... Damn right, I would!'

    They then go to the sister....
    'Be honest; would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?'
    'Of course I would!'

    Dad addresses the son...
    'Does that help at all, son?'
    'Er... I'm not sure what your point is...'
    Well, son... potentially we are sitting on Two Million quid, but in reality it simply means your mum and your sister are sluts.
     
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  13. bigkingfun

    bigkingfun Tinkering addict

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    A horse walks in to a bar.
    The bartender asks "Why the long face"?

    LOLOLOLOOLOLOL
     
  14. mars-bar-man

    mars-bar-man Side bewb.

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    2 here, hopefully they won't be reposts, I cba to read 8 pages though.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
    Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and
    children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!
    This is one of the best comeback lines of all time...
    It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and
    General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his
    military Headquarters.


    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys
    when they visit your base?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.


    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
    children?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before
    they even touch a firearm..


    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are
    you?

    The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the
    interview was over.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF

    Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

    First Guy:
    'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend.. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

    Second Guy:
    'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

    Third Guy:
    'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

    They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has Not said a word. So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

    Fourth guy:
    'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the butt and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block


    :D
     
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  15. [PUNK] crompers

    [PUNK] crompers Dremedial

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    whats better than winning the paralympics?





    having legs
     
  16. Cookie Monster

    Cookie Monster Multimodder

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    So wrong, but soooooo funny.

    Why don't blind people skydive?

    Scares the s**t out of their dogs.
     
  17. kenco_uk

    kenco_uk I unsuccessfully then tried again

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    Why do female parachutists wear jockstraps?

    So they don't whistle on the way down.
     
  18. [PUNK] crompers

    [PUNK] crompers Dremedial

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    looooooooooool
     
  19. Ryu_ookami

    Ryu_ookami I write therefore I suffer.

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    A 14 year old boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?"

    "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned.

    "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says,

    "I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

    "That's right, Dad."

    "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for."

    "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

    ****************

    "Advice For Young Girlfriends"

    Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

    A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.


    Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

    A: YES. Before if possible.


    Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

    A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.


    Q: How long should the sex act last?

    A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his mates to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the pub for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his mates. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the flat, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.


    Q: What is "afterplay?"

    A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.


    Q: Does the size of his manhood matter?

    A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male organ measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is four inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his flat, or buying him an expensive gift.


    Q: What about the female orgasm?

    A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

    ********************

    A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

    "How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

    "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

    Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:

    "So, what's it gonna be?"

    To which he replies, "Meow!"
     
    Last edited: 13 Sep 2009
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  20. Lorquis

    Lorquis lorquisSpamCount++;

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    Ok, got a few but they may require deletion if they're that poor taste...

    Why don't women need a driving licence?
    There aren't any roads between the bedroom and the kitchen

    What do you call a Muslim in the cockpit of a plane?
    The Pilot you racist *******!

    What do you call a chav in a suit?
    The defendant.

    Black guy and a Hispanic guy are in a car, who's driving?
    The police.


    The following were told to me by a team leader whilst raising money for NSPCC...
    What's the best thing about sex with twenty five year olds?
    There's twenty of them.

    What's the best thing about sex with a 5 year old girl?
    Answer:
    Flip her over and it's like you're ****ing a 5 year old boy

    How to you get a baby into a bowl?
    Use a blender
    , How do you get it out?
    Nachos

    What's the worst thing about a binfull of dead babies?
    The one alive at the bottom eating it's way out


    ... I think I opened not only the racist door, but also the cat flap for pedobear...
     
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