LOL Xmas Competition: I wanna tell you a story....... Now increased to £100 prize

Yours make it up or real but not copied from i/n

 

mkay.

Does it have to be clean?

 

No but let's hope a mod doesn't delete it and ban you if it's that "unclean"

 

Well mine is an extremely short story but a funny one none the less.

To put a date on it this goes back to when I must've been 5-6ish, cant be fully sure, but it was around the time when Free Willy came out.

Me and My Family were on a holiday in Hornsea. About mid way through we were just coming back from one of the amusement arcades where I had just won a stuffed whale (Like Free Willy) about 30cm long from one of the grabber machines, I was well chuffed, we were walking back to the Chalet we were staying in when my parents decided to get the family fish and chips as a treat.
Upon walking into the Chip shop my parents ordered the food and whilst we were waiting, I loudly proclaimed to the girl behind the counter "Do you want to see my Willy" where upon I proudly slammed my Free Willy toy on the counter of the Chip Shop, causing everyone to break into laughter with me just stood there holding my toy....

Wasn't for a while that I understood why they were laughing....

 

I will tell you all of a slightly embarrassing/funny story about something that happened on my first date with my now wife.

First some background.

My wife is Brazilian and I'm English, we were both working in a veterinary clinic in London. She had only been in the UK for about 6 months and like to go away for the weekend to somewhere in Europe as often as she could as she loves travelling. At this time she was still learning English.

One day she invited me up to her flat for some food and I though 'hello!' so said yes. Somehow I got roped into going to Paris with her.

So, onto the funny situation.

We were in a cafe in Paris talking quietly at a table just finishing a coffee. I ask her if she would like anything else and she tells me to get a soft drink for us to carry out.

I go up to the counter and ask the lady for a bottle of Coke, seemed an obvious choice. Unknown to me my now wife had been listening in, she suddenly jumped up and said in a very loud voice,

"I don't like cock"

I stood in stunned silence for a second as everyone in the place looked at her.

"Don't give me cock please"

Now they are looking at me.

"It rots my tits" she adds as if this will allay the obvious confusion on my face.

The place is silent, I really don't know what is happening or what to say.

Finally she realizes something is wrong and goes to the counter picks up the bottle turns round and says,

"coca cola is not good for you. My dentist told me"

"Ooooooh" I say laughing " you don't want coke because it rots your teeth"

"I said that" she says

No, I tell her and then translate to the best of my ability what she had said.

She was laughing so hard the only thing she could say was

"I have to go to the toilet before I pee".

 

Still not entering but this is not a funny story, more an Awwww short story.

It was a very solemn occasion, the funeral of my step-mother. We were all gathered in the church, in our respective pews; the coffin on a stand in front of the gathering as expected.

While waiting for the service to begin I heard crying coming from behind me. Not unexpected you might think at a funeral. So I turned to see who it was and low and behold it was my 5 year old nephew sobbing his heart out.

I was a little surprised he was as if truth be told he wasn't very fond of her. So I quietly asked him why he was crying so much. Through his tears he replied "Grandma [name] won't be able to go to the toilet now she's shut in a box, will she?"

 

Throbbi's entry has reminded me of a similar tale from my own life, albeit with less gum and more national publicity.

Six years ago, when I had just started dating my partner (still with her to this day), I became paranoid that my hairy bum hole might trap bits of poopy and become all horrible and stinky. So as any young man would, I decided to perform a little topiary in the hope that a clean exit would mean no clinkers and none of the associated pong. However, not far into my enterprise, I realised that I'd bitten off more than I could chew.

In my infatuated naivety I decided to ask the love of my life to assist, and to my surprise she agreed. So, legs akimbo, I let her loose on the man brambles down below. All went well, and a few minutes later I was the proud owner of a shiny clean back door, happy that a quick wipe would leave everything fresh as it should be. I thanked her for her help and thought nothing more of it.

A few days later, whilst driving, I was listening to Jo Whiley on Radio 1, and she was doing a phone in feature about the craziest thing you have ever done for love. There were some amusing stories, and I chuckled to myself as I heard some quite embarrassing tales. Then suddenly, and to my horror, I heard a very familiar voice on the next call. My partner then proceeded to explain, in a detailed and florid prose, exactly what she had done in the name of love just a few nights before. She revealed her name, location, and delivered the tale in her unmistakably distinctive tones.

I was bemused, amused and mortified in equal measures, but not nearly as much as Jo herself, who had just been responsible for the broadcast of a detailed story about anal shaving on national radio in the middle of the day. Needless to say that our story was concluded to be the most extreme and amusing, even amongst contenders involving huge marriage proposal stunts and much more exotic activities.

I had hoped that none of our friends would have been listening but sadly I was wrong. One or two had heard it, put two and two together... well suffice to say I had the piss royally taken for weeks afterwards.

Two things I can be certain of are that 1) no photos were taken during the event, and 2) I wouldn't let my partner (or anyone else for that matter) anywhere near my arse crack nowadays

Sorry if you were eating your dinner whilst reading any of that.

Lol yeah that's a wrap

 

Very quick one.

I was sitting watching a film with my daughter who was 7 or 8 years old at the time. At the end of the film when the credits came up she looked at me perplexed and said "well they're not very good looking". It took me a little time to realise what she meant. Then I realised that she thought 'order of appearance' literally meant that.

Still makes me smile.

 

LOL some great stories so far.

Good news KustomPCs have generously agreed to contribute towards the prize so it's now been increased to a £100 store voucher

 

Here is another one. My kids always make me laugh.

As a family we rarely get the bus.

My daughter (who was 10 or 11 at the time) was at her nan’s while both my wife and I were at work. My wife arranged for my daughter to meet her after work, which was to involve my daughter getting the bus on her own for the first time. My wife arrived at the arranged spot and waited for her to arrive. As bus after bus past, she started to get more and more concerned. She then decided to phone her on the mobile phone.

When my daughter answered my wife asked “where are you?”

My daughter answered quite fraught “I’m at the bus stop but none of the buses will stop”.

My wife was puzzled for a moment and then asked “did you put your arm out when the bus was coming?”

Low and behold she got the next one.

She turned 14 the other day and I still skit her about it lol.

 

Kids are amazing, no doubt about it.

 

Lambs lettuce doesn't actually include any lamb!

 

I think you want this thread, mate :

http://forums.bit-tech.net/showthread.php?t=205434&highlight=random+fact

 

Closing date in two days people don't miss the chance to win a £100 store voucher

 

I want to tell my (True!) Story:

Went to my mates house (who's family was very posh) for a game of Warhammer Fantasy, be around 15-16 at the time.

Be bursting for a turd but mates sister was in the bath in the bathroom so having to wait it out. Mate had just been bought some new models for his birthday and had his army set up downstairs in the newely decorated conservatory. I'd lugged my army up to his house and had them unpacked, yet he still had a couple of new units to glue together. I sit playing snake on my phone for a while sitting in their lovely new wicker chairs with cushioned seats whilst trying to hold in several squeaky farts that could only be described as being a cross between the turtle's breath and a trumpeters lips. As I could hear the water running out the drain outside I knew that was the bath draining upstairs, and that I'd be free to drop my guts in the next 5 minutes or so, I just had to hold out that long. By this point my arse was warm with fart, I could have swore it felt moist and warm/wet, but i was sure that it was just air and not a lumpy pump.

Eventually I heard the bathroom door open, as I jumped up I instantly knew something wasnt right, I felt heavier but i HAD to go. As I turned for the door I heard a smash and it dawned on me that somehow the new cushion of the chair was stuck to my jeans, and as I'd turned it had knocked over the vase onto on the glass coffee table it was resting on. As my mate looked up and shouted to warn me I yanked the cushion off my jeans, and there it was: a tube of Loctite. I only had a nanosecond to process what it was as I stepped backwards onto one my mates newely completed undead spearmen units, where i screamed out in pain as the spears/plastic went straight through my socks and into the sole of my foot. I fell sideways onto the new faux fireplace that had 2 flurescent style bulbs as heaters, burning my elbow on the guard and flicking a couple of skeletons behind the fire guard.

I jumped up explaining I would sort it in a minute, by then my mates dad had came in and was like "WTF?!" to the noise and the crashing, but i was already up the stairs by this point. When i got to the toilet I realised the enormity of the situation. The "warm" sensation was the glue. The glue that had stuck the cushion to my jeans, my jeans to my (micky mouse) boxers, my boxers to my arse, and my arse cheeks together. The worst thing was, the excitement of the whole situation had me almost touching cloth (plus that *thing* where when youve been holding it for ages, but as soon as you get in the bathroom you feel like you cant hold it a second longer!) I had to make the decision to yank my boxers down to free them from the jeans, but at the same time they were attached to my arse. I then had to yank arsecheeks apart in order to free them for the pewp. I let out a hell of a yelp as I freed my cheeks, but at last FINALLY i was able to go.

Leave toilet to find mates sister and friends asking wtf is going on (embarrassing to death), whilst mates dad is at top of stairs with superglue asking wtf happened to his new conservatory.

The amount of damage was

cracked vase
chipped glass table
superglue damaged cushion from new 3 piece suite
broke a regiment of skeletons
1 skeleton melted onto the fire bulb and had to be scraped off
Jeans wrecked, superglued to boxers
Boxers wrecked, hole in boxers from pulling them off
Arse has a patch of skin missing from ripping the boxers off
Foot has lots of small puncture marks in from stepping on spearmen
Elbow is burnt on fire.
Arsecheeks have patch of skin missing on inside where i yanked them apart.
1 tube of loctite superglue KIA.

Was not a good day.

 

Chances to post ends at 12 midnight tonight

 

Poll now added, time to select your favourite.

 

May I ask why my story isn't included in the poll?

 

Vote cast in favour of Shirty's arse brambles.

[edit] I'm talking about the story, not his actual brambles, you understand.

 

They *might* have grown back since then, I haven't checked lately. These things become less important as one ages.

Thanks Spreadie