Irish man goes into a pub and orders 3 pints of Guinness at the bar. The bar looks at him a bit oddly but serves him with his chosen drink. The Irish man then goes off with his 3 pints and sits at a table, drinking from each pint glass one after the other before returning to the bar to order 3 more pints. This goes on for most of the evening untill the barman pipes up and asks "Why do you buy and drink 3 pints of Guinness like that ?" The man replies "Well me and my brothers used to go out drinking every Friday night before I moved away and I said I would carry on with the tradition even though I've moved" The barman nodded and served another 3 pints. This went on for many months and became normal practice until one day the Irish man comes in and order only 2 pints of Guinness - everyone in he pub goes silent as the watch him walk over to his usual table. Thinking the worst, the Barman goes over to his table and says softly "I'm sorry for your loss" the Irish man looks up and says "Don't be silly, none of my brothers have died, I've given up drinking"
Two paddy's on a two week cruise.... One says to the other "bit quiet up here on deck tonight" Other one says "yeah, they all be down below listening to the band" First one says " but there isn't a band playing tonight" Other one says "I definitely heard someone say a band on ship half hour ago"
I see the Germans have submitted an attempt to change the alphabet to A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,X,Y,Z..... Other Euro leaders are calling it a VW omission scandal.
Three couples were on a cruise ship. Two were husband and wife and the 3rd couple were two gay guys. A really bad storm wrecks the ship they all drowned. They each had to come before St Peter at the pearly gates to be admitted into heaven. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "Sorry but I can't let you in." "You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny!" Then came the second straight guy with his missus. "Sorry, can't let you in either." said St Peter. "You loved food too much, You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously... "It's not looking good for us is it Dick."
A soldier ran up to a Nun in the street. Panting for breath he asked: "Please, can I hide under your habit I'll explain later." The Nun agreed to his request and under he went. A few moments later, two military police ran up and asked: "Sister have you seen a soldier around here?" The Nun replied: "He ran down that way." After the MP's had ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. I hope you will understand, "I don't want to go to Iraq." The Nun said: "I understand completely young man". The soldier added: "I hope I am not being rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The Nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of bollocks too !!, I don't want to go to Iraq either."
The Bog seat poet It's no use standing on the seat the crabs in this bog can jump ten feet. If on the roll there is no paper under the seat you'll find a scraper.
A drunk guy approaches two women in a bar hoping to strike up a conversation. Hearing their accent he says "Are you two ladies from England?" One of them replies "It's Wales, you idiot!" "OK, then", he says, "are you two whales from England?
Mary & Joseph are sitting in the inn thinking up names for their newborn baby. "How about Peter or David" says Joseph.... There's a knock on the door......Joseph opens the door and there's 3 wise men standing there. "I have a gift of Gold for the new baby" says the first wise man. "Come in and thank you" says Joseph and he hands over the Gold and leaves. "I have a gift of Frankincense for the new baby" says the second wise man. "Come in and thank you" says Joseph and he hands over the Frankincense and leaves. "I have a gift of Myrrh for the new baby" says the 6ft 7" wise man. "Come in and thank you" says Joseph. As the wise man enters the low doorway he bangs his head and shouts "Jesus Christ"..... To which Joseph looks at Mary and says "write that one down love" it's quite catchy.
For some reason these are the only jokes that hang around in my head.... sorry. What do you do if an Irishman throws a grenade at you? Spoiler Pull out the pin and throw it back! What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you? Spoiler Run! He's got a grenade in his mouth! What do you do if you see a one armed Irishman hanging off a cliff? Spoiler Wave. What does NASA stand for? Spoiler Needs Another Seven Astronauts
There was an English cat called 'one two three' and a French cat called 'un deux trois' who settled an argument by having a swimming race across the channel.... 'One two three' won the day because 'un deux trois' cat sank.
After a long day at Ascot.....Ginger McCain, Jonjo O'Neill and Martin Pipe decided to go to stringfellows for the evening. After queuing up for 20 minutes and getting to the entrance the bouncers looked at them and said..... "Sorry but we dont allow trainers in here"
I was up in court the other day accused of burglary but I told the judge it wasn't me as at the time of the offence I was in the local book shop buying a new copy of the Koran for 50p. That's a very good Allah buy said the judge.
A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes. The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't afford to die." He took the first parachute and jumped. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped. The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders "Take the last parachute." Bernie says, "It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The world's smartest man just took my backpack."
Unbelievable story !!! Was watching the TV last night with the missus and in walks the founder of Apple who, without shame walks into our kitchen and takes our can of Mr Sheen !! Bloody Jobs coming over here and stealing all our Polish.
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his attention. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now" Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window." "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you." Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those." "I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant."If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes." Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!" "I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant... "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"
After all this time it has emerged that all Oscar Pistorius wanted was to put a new door on their bathroom......but Reeva was dead against it.
@Arthur: others may say that's in bad taste. Me? I'm of the opinion that at least Hell will be a warm place for me to spend the afterlife in after laughing at things like that.
These 2 terrible jokes came to mind: What's brown and sticky? Spoiler A stick. What's red and bad for your teeth? Spoiler A brick.
