A piece of string goes into a bar... The barman says: "I'm sorry, we don't serve string in here." The string goes out, puts on a pair of sunglasses as a disguise and goes back in. The same thing happens, so the string leaves, puts on a false moustache and beard and goes back in. The barman says: "for the third time, we don't serve string in here." The string pulls itself up to its full height and says " as it happens, I'm not a piece of string" The barman says "oh no?" and the string replies "No, I'm afraid not!"
A packet of Skittles and a Bounty are sitting in a bar. The Bounty is bragging to his mate about how tough he is. "I can kick the ass of any confectionary you name!", he boasts. Suddenly, a Tune walks into the bar, pulls himself up onto a bar stool and orders a gin and tonic. The Bounty makes his excuses and runs off to the bathroom. The Tune finishes his drink and wanders back out of the bar. Looking more than a little shaken, the Bounty returns to his seat. "He gone, mate?" queried the Bounty. The packet of Skittles scoffed at the Bounty, "I thought you were the toughest sweet in town!" he roared. The Bounty replied: "Yeah...but that Tune's Menthol!" ________________________________ (boom-tish) *n
I was debating whether or not to post that variant. "Yeah but that little bit of red tarmac is a cycle path..." *n
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards him. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, " business... I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,"What's your business role at the convention?" "Lecture," she replied "I'm the lead lecturer and I use information I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?" She explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most apt to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I've also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am so sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"
A lady golfer arrives at the first tee, and sets the ball up. She takes her driver out of the bag, and grips it correctly. She balances and addresses the ball perfectly. She raises the club high and swings it in a perfect arc. The face of the club smacks the ball cleanly, and the ball flies off up into the air. She watches with some satisfaction as it flies down the course. As the ball nears a small wooded area, a few male golfers emerge from behind the trees. The lady golfer cries “Fore! to warn them, and as she does, one of the men turns towards her. Unfortunately, he has wandered into the path of the ball, and as he turns, his hands plunge to his groin, and he falls to the ground. The lady golfer rushes over to where he lies, whimpering, in a foetal position, with his hands still clasped between his thighs. “Don’t worry,” she says, “I’m a trained physiotherapist, I’ll soon have you feeling better.” and kneels down beside him and begins to unfasten his trousers. “No, I’ll be alright,” he protests, between whimpers, but she ignores him and puts her hands to work inside his trousers. After a few minutes, he seems better, so she asks how that feels: He replies: “Not bad, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”
i've missed posting a few jokes so here's 4 jokes. 3 for days that i've missed and today's joke too. JOKE 1 There once was a magical frog who lived in a huge forest. The forest was so big that he had never seen another animal as long as he lived. One day he was walking to the stream when he happened to come across a bear chasing a rabbit for his lunch. He stopped them and called them over and said "I'm a magical frog. Seeing as you are the first two animals I've ever seen in my life, I'll give you each three wishes. You may have one wish at a time, and the bear may go first, because he is the biggest." The bear thinks about it for a while and finally says "I wish every bear in this forest besides me was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every other bear in this forest is now female. Rabbit, what's your first wish?" The rabbit quickly says "I want a crash helmet". The frog thought this was a bit weird, but said nothing. He snapped his fingers and a crash helmet appeared in front of the rabbit, who then strapped it on without thinking twice. The frog turns to the bear and says "What's your second wish?" The bear says "Well.. I wish every bear in the NEXT forest was a female." The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear in the next forest is female. Rabbit- Your next wish?" The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. This was too much for the bear, who thought the rabbit was wasting his wishes. "What the hell are you doing? Why don't you wish for all the money in the world and go BUY a motorcycle??" The rabbit replies "No, I want a motorcycle NOW" So the frog snaps his fingers and a motorbike magically appears in front of the rabbit, who proceeds to hop on and gun the engine. The frog then asked the bear what his last wish would be. "Gee," said the bear, "this is going GREAT! I wish every other bear in the WORLD besides me was a female!" The frog snaps his fingers and says "It is done. Every bear on earth besides you is female. Rabbit, what's your last wish?" The rabbit said- "I wish the bear was gay" JOKE 2 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today". JOKE 3 this guy is driving along the highway and gets pulled over. the officer comes up to the car and asks if he knows why he was pulled over. "yeah i was speeding the man said. okay," the officer says," can i see your license and registration please? no sorry, i don't have it on me," the driver says. "can you show me proof of insurance? yeah", the man says," it's in my glove box next to my gun. you have a gun in your glove box?" says the officer. " yes i do," says the driver. " is there anything else you want to tell me?" the driver thinks and says, " yeah i have the gun so nobody steals the weed under my back seat and the cocaine in my trunk. really" says the officer, " hold on a minute." the officer goes back to his cruiser and calls for backup which quickly arrives including the head lieutenant. the lieutenant approaches the car and says to the man," do you have any identification i can see? yeah," the driver says and readily pulls out his! license and registration. " open your glove box," says the lieutenant. the driver does this and pulls out his insurance card. the lieutenant gets the card and looks at it. he then proceeds to check the back seat and sees nothing. "open you trunk" the driver does this and the lieutenant finds nothing. hey goes back to the front of the car puzzled and says, "I'm a little confused, my officer called me for backup and said you had no identification, you had a gun in your glove box, you hide weed in your back seat and cocaine in your trunk, and that doesn't appear to be the case?" the driver looks up at him and says, "i bet that son of a bitch told you i was speeding too!!!!!!!!" JOKE 4 A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous “new age” holistic doctor, as a last resort. “Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won’t go away.” The doctor replied, “You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do - go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: “I really don’t have a headache, I really don’t have a headache”. Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish.” As she leaves the doctor’s office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating “I really don’t have a headache, I really don’t have a headache...”. She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He’s been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... “ “When was the last time you two had sex?” asks the doctor. “About eight years ago.” she replied. The doctor says, “Yes, send him over.” A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her. When he’s finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating: “That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife.....”
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, an d dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" (Thought you'd like this one) The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when I start???"
OMG, I was going to save this joke for tomorrow (I just now found the joke). but it's too good and true to not share now. A co-worker got a pen stuck inside a printer just before we had to go to a meeting. He started to try and remove the pen but I told him, "We don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling people not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk." So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. Later, one of my colleagues came in laughing saying he was just in the lobby and saw a piece of paper on the printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to Now open the file called "ReadStoryBeforeOpening.jpg" ATTACHED: ReadStoryBeforeOpening.jpg
What do you call a Scotsman when he has nearly arrived at his house ? Hamish What do you call a man coming hame from a nights drinking and collapsing as he opens the door to his hoose? Matt What do you call a dog with no tongue? Sweaty baws
1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit. 2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted 3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe. 4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit. 5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs. 6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride. 7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike. 8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut. 9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?" 10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it. 11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police. 12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar. 13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please 14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand 15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A 16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4 17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny. 18. How many chavs does it take to change a light bulb? One, they'll screw anything. 19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start. 20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uthver bleeders job innit." 21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash 22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever. 23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner. 24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing." 25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society.
So theres an airplane full of people that is going to crash, and in it some Indian virgin stands up and rips off her shirt... She says "If im going to die I want a man to make me feel like a true woman..." So nearby a man stands up, rips off his shirt and says "Iron this"
A man walks into a bar and says "Got any gin?" the bartender says "nope" so out walksthe man, next day he goes back and says "!Got anyn gin" the bartender again says "Nope" so out walks the man, the next day the man goes back same question again and the bartender says "If you come in here tomorrow asking that same question im gona staple your balls the thye bar.... Next day the man walks in "Got any staples?" the bartender says "Nope" so the man says "Got any gin?"
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window." Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" "I couldn't even get on the bed!.."
Just got this from my soon to be wife. A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town, and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK? "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know ...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?... "LISTEN UP D***HEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED @S$ ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT S**T IS OVER... GOT IT, A$S*OLE?"..and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
