1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Education I'm writing a book... and I need your help!

Discussion in 'General' started by Mojo, 16 Jan 2025.

  1. Mojo

    Mojo Multimodder

    Joined:
    18 Nov 2011
    Posts:
    4,313
    Likes Received:
    808
    Hello folks,
    After an absolutely shart show of a relationship break-up, I'm on the road to recovery. Before this relationship I had started to write a book about men's mental health - the impacts, the challenges and some coping mechanisms. My insights into everyday life, what we're all thinking but rarely spoken about. The world of dating for the average guy... weight loss... being high value etc etc. I genuinely want to help others. My biggest sticking point is that when I seeked help when I was at my lowest... I struggled... half of the online help entails a cost. The so called experts trick you into courses initially a free snippet by praying on those at their most vulnerable - sometimes both physically and mentally by this point. Then when you're hooked... £2000 for a super duper get help quick mentoring. We don't need this.

    To cut a long story short - I'd like some help.- and there is no real direction here I suppose - what piece of advice would you give another man? What tough time have you had and how have you overcome that? Relationship advice? Life advice?
     
    bsp, wyx087, stephen0205 and 2 others like this.
  2. Cookie Monster

    Cookie Monster Multimodder

    Joined:
    27 Aug 2003
    Posts:
    4,744
    Likes Received:
    908
    I've been here. I struggled a lot at my lowest and went for a walk (I don't mean this to be as cheesy as it sounds) but actually arrived at a road junction and was torn between going left and right.

    Right was a friends house and I was going to tell them everything and ask for help. Left was back home and who knows where from that. Turning right saved me. I spoke with my friend, he spoke with our mutual friend and they came together to help me through it.

    As a man I've realised you're not a wimp for needing help, you're certainly one for asking for help. The moral of the story is SEEK HELP.
     
    bsp, wyx087, adidan and 5 others like this.
  3. Mojo

    Mojo Multimodder

    Joined:
    18 Nov 2011
    Posts:
    4,313
    Likes Received:
    808
    And this is a big part of my motivation for writing something - it seems we've been conditioned to think that we cant be vulnerable. We do need to ask for help.. we do need to share more.

    Thank you for sharing that :)
     
    GaryP and Arboreal like this.
  4. Mr_Mistoffelees

    Mr_Mistoffelees The Bit-Tech Cat. New Improved Version.

    Joined:
    26 Aug 2014
    Posts:
    5,694
    Likes Received:
    2,871
    That is very true but, first you need to realise you need help. when I was 27 I attempted suicide but, was found before it was too late. Help then was limited to 2 weeks observation, then on my own. Before and after that, I went through life thinking I was just a bit different and would just always be alone.

    It was only after things went very wrong again, after physically being ill for a couple of weeks, then having great difficulty with work that things changed. My wife persuaded me to tell the GP everything, who quickly diagnosed severe depression. Other problems surfaced during talking therapies and the root cause was established. My wonderful abusive, bullying mother. This all came to a head in 2009.

    Now, I can't work, my memory is slowly failing and I still have bad days but, actually, I'm in a better place than I have been for decades, mentally.

    BTW, NHS Somerset Talking Therapies were great but, it is because of my wife that I am still here... We met 25 years ago.
     
    GaryP and Mojo like this.
  5. Cookie Monster

    Cookie Monster Multimodder

    Joined:
    27 Aug 2003
    Posts:
    4,744
    Likes Received:
    908
    Also very correct. @Mojo Maybe the first post needs a bullet pointed list of potential points / "chapter titles"?

    Edit: Maybe we start something here with a mental health sticky? Not trying to rip off your book idea, more just a place to seek others and potentially start talking.
     
  6. Mojo

    Mojo Multimodder

    Joined:
    18 Nov 2011
    Posts:
    4,313
    Likes Received:
    808
    I absolutely love this idea!!!

    Mods? what do we think?
     
  7. GaryP

    GaryP RIP Tel

    Joined:
    31 Aug 2009
    Posts:
    5,542
    Likes Received:
    890
    On a West Ham forum I have been on for 27 years they started a mental health thread in 2017 and as of now it has 9259 posts.

    Granted all West Ham supporters so there will be plenty of 'head cases' :winking: but it genuinely seems to have helped a lot of people on there.
     
    bsp and Mr_Mistoffelees like this.
  8. Flibblebot

    Flibblebot Smile with me

    Joined:
    19 Apr 2005
    Posts:
    4,879
    Likes Received:
    370
    I'd echo this - talk to your GP. My local surgery has a dedicated mental health team as well, and they're awesome, really helpful.

    A couple of other points:
    • Medication isn't a cure, but neither is it something bad. It's not going to get rid of your issues completely, but what they can do is help to lift the base level. Be prepared to experiment with your GP until you find the one for you.
    • Don't be scared to cut ties with the things that cause you harm/pain. The biggest thing I've done in my life (and yes, that includes getting married and moving back to Wales from London) is to quit my job at the end of 2023. I realised that it was the cause of much stress and anxiety, migraines, sleepless nights etc. After I quit, I felt 1000% better, migraines and panic attacks went away. I'm now working for an awesome organisation, where I'm valued and appreciated - the kind of organisation I can see myself working at until I retire.
    • Talk to people, and let your employer know. The company I work for is fairly small, everyone there knows about my mental health issues, and people know when to check in or leave me alone.
    • Try meditation. I use the Calm app (couldn't get on with Headspace for some reason) and it's really useful for those annoying times where my mind won't shutup. Similarly, Progressive Muscle Relaxation really helps to ease the muscle tension caused by anxiety.
    • Go out into nature. Take a walk through a park, do some gardening, build a 12ft statue of Lara Croft, whatever. Getting out of the house, and out of your head, and doing something different is cathartic (but sometimes difficult to do).
    Just for the record, I have severe anxiety and moderate depression.
     
    Pete J and Cookie Monster like this.
  9. stephen0205

    stephen0205 MrSteve

    Joined:
    11 Mar 2016
    Posts:
    1,404
    Likes Received:
    334
    This sounds like an amazing project mate, and I’m really glad to hear you’re on the road to recovery. Writing a book like this could genuinely help a lot of people (being someone who has several self improvement/help books), especially given how little support there is out there for men’s mental health that doesn’t come with a price tag or some hidden agenda. I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying, and having gone through my fair share of challenges in life, I’ve found that my perspective on what’s important has shifted as I’ve gotten older.

    Growing up, men's mental health wasn’t really something that was spoken about. It wasn’t understood or supported, and it’s only now, in my 30s, that I’ve realized how much of a difference talking to someone can make. Whether it’s a close friend, a colleague, or even a stranger who’s completely unbiased, having someone to listen really can be life-changing. I grew up in a household where emotions weren’t openly discussed. My dad’s approach was very much “suck it up and get on with it,” which left me feeling emotionally cold for most of my 20s, even at funerals. I felt like I had to be strong for everyone else, but that mindset eventually took its toll mentally, emotionally, and physically.

    I’ve dealt with heavy drinking, family pressures, work stress, weight issues, and finding a healthy balance in life has been one of the hardest things. But I’ve learned a few things along the way that might help others, so here’s what I’d say to any man going through tough times.

    • Talk to someone: It doesn’t matter who it is, your best mate, a work friend, or even a stranger. Sometimes an unbiased ear can make all the difference. If therapy is an option, don’t shy away from it (Not for everyone). My workplace offer benefits like private healthcare, and I personally got my first 20 therapy sessions free through work (Which helped greatly). Those sessions gave me tools I still use today, you can go to private ones, you can go to your local GP for referrals as well if you cant afford it, there can be a long wait and depending on who you get the support can be different, but most want to help you. Antidepressants are not a reflection on you "failing", we all feel down and depressed sometimes, it is impossible not to, sometimes extra help is needed.

    • It’s okay to feel emotions: Whether your sad, angry, or frustrated, it’s important to let yourself feel. Cry if you need to, be angry if you need to, it’s all valid. But balance is key with it, don’t let those emotions control you, I have regretted that many times after I let that happen. Processing them in a healthy way is just as important as feeling them.

    • Find free resources: Not everything has to cost a fortune or does. There are some free self-help books, podcasts, and online resources that can shift your perspective or give you practical advice. These can be a great starting point if professional help isn’t accessible, I personally like items from Andrew Huberman, James Smith and Jordan Harbinger.

    • Look after your body: Mental health and physical health are hugely connected. You don’t have to be a fitness fanatic (My dad bod can attest to this), but even a daily walk can help clear your mind, give you more energy and keep you healthier. Eating better doesn’t mean giving up the things you love (Have a beer and a burger), but small changes like healthier versions of your favourite meals can make a big difference. Eat rubbish and poor quality foods and your body will perform poorly, I now find new ways to cook my favourite meals that is much much healthier than it was before, I now don't intake huge amounts of calories and processed items, I personally feel healthier, less bloated, more energy etc.

    • Know your self-worth: Your value isn’t tied to your bank account or the things you can provide. I used to feel less than because I couldn’t afford fancy holidays or expensive things for my family. But the truth is, the people who love you just want you. Your presence, your time, and your care are more than enough, we haven't been many holidays as a family, but I spend a lot of time with my kid and my partner, we read, we draw, we play games, and we are happy.
    This is such a broad topic there are so many things I could mention, or talk about so I have put the items I felt have helped me along the way, as life goes on this list would likely grow as I and I guess everyone begin to tackle new challenges that life throws at us. Even on this forum speaking to people on here has helped me so much in different ways. Good luck on your book.
     
    Pete J likes this.
  10. Weekly_Estimate

    Weekly_Estimate Random bird noises.

    Joined:
    1 Feb 2010
    Posts:
    3,769
    Likes Received:
    929
    So far my ex has…
    • threatened to stop me seeing my daughter
    • Stolen all the stuff I bought for our daughter
    • Refused to pay the last months rent now despite having been sent the money now the estate agents are asking me for the payment.
    • Every time I go around to collect my stuff she screams and shouts at me baiting me to say anything at all so she can phone the police to fill her “report on me” playing the victim.
    • Told her son who I’ve basically been the dad of 11 years that I’m not his real dad, despite me requesting for years that we do this together, she just called him into the room when she was in bed told him and let him go. He told me through text
    • She’s threatened to throw all my stuff out the house into the garden.
    • She’s told my 5 year old daughter I’m too busy making love to other women to see her because I wouldn’t have her out of the arranged dates (she later dumped the kids on her mum where they don’t have beds and had to sleep on the sofa) to go out partying and drinking, my son told me through text.
    • She hasn’t text my kids she’s known and raised for 11 years once.
    • She’s told the estate agents the rental deposit is going to her.
    • She’s told me we need permanent dates for childcare, she knows I can’t have all 3 children at my mums at once, so I have to rotate my youngest with my two eldest, weekly, until I find somewhere to live and I can start having everyone over again
    The list just goes on and on, shes shouting at me because she had to move her stuff out on her own, I’d have been more than happy to help her if she didn’t try to start arguments all the time. She text me saying can you break apart a metal bed? I responded sure I’ll give it a go when I come to collect my stuff

    she’s literally stood there shouting at me saying she’s going to throw all my stuff out, while smoking… watching me and friends move stuff out.

    She’s moaning about having issues with childcare, I told her this would happen if she kept biting away at me to the point I just moved out and it’s happened!

    I’ve offered her child maintenance straight away, I’ve tried to keep things civil and despite causing the separation she’s still angry at me!? I thought she would have been over the moon to see me gone!?

    it’s ridiculous and really starting to get on my nerves. It’s gone from looking at houses to getting a mortgage to this! Absolute madness!
     
    Last edited: 23 Jan 2025
  11. Mojo

    Mojo Multimodder

    Joined:
    18 Nov 2011
    Posts:
    4,313
    Likes Received:
    808
    Some amazing suggestions! I appreciate your input.
     
  12. Mojo

    Mojo Multimodder

    Joined:
    18 Nov 2011
    Posts:
    4,313
    Likes Received:
    808
    It sounds like you're dealing with an incredibly toxic and stressful situation, and I’m sorry you’re going through all this. My best advice at this point would be to protect yourself, your rights, and your mental health while keeping the kids’ wellbeing as the priority.

    My initial thoughts
    I've put them into bullet points for my own clarity.

    1. Document Everything
    Keep a detailed record of every interaction, text, email, or incident. This includes threats, false accusations, and anything involving the children. Keeping a track record may not seem poinient at this point but potential crucial at a later stage if there were a legal battle. Which leads me onto...

    2. Involve a Solicitor or Legal Advice
    Get proper legal advice as soon as possible. These guys see this type of behaviours on a daily basis.They can help ensure your rights as a parent are protected, especially regarding access to your daughter and safeguarding your belongings.

    3. Stay Calm and Avoid Confrontation
    'Let them'. If she’s trying to provoke a reaction, don’t give her the satisfaction. Stay calm, keep your distance, and avoid saying anything that could be used against you. It can be immensely hard to do that in the situation. Consider bringing a neutral third party when collecting your belongings to avoid further accusations or allowing the situation to explode. I've found often that a narcissist will want to play the actor of sweet and innocent.

    4. Clarify Financial Matters
    For the rent issue, communicate directly with the estate agents to explain the situation. Let them know you’ve paid your share, and they may be able to confirm whether she’s holding the funds. This will help avoid damage to your credit or legal trouble.
    You can also make your half of the payment direct to them. If you're both on the rental agreement then you are joint and severably liable.(been there, done that)

    5. Focus on the Children
    The kids are the priority. Make sure they know you’re there for them, and reassure them that none of this is their fault. Continue offering maintenance (and of not paying it... save it somewhere safe) and make every effort to stay consistent in your time with them, even if it means rotating until you’re in a better housing situation.

    6. Seek Emotional Support
    This kind of behavior can take a toll. Talk to friends, family, we're here or a counselor about what you’re going through. Having people to lean on will help you stay strong and focused. Occupying yourself can help to stabilise yourself when things get bad.

    7. Consider Mediation
    If things continue to escalate, look into mediation. A neutral third party might help with finding common ground on childcare, financial issues, and other practical matters.

    It’s awful that you’re trying to be civil and meet your responsibilities, only to be met with hostility. Stay strong, stay focused on what matters, and protect yourself legally and emotionally. You’ve got this. Here if you need a chat :grin:
     
    stephen0205 and Weekly_Estimate like this.
  13. Weekly_Estimate

    Weekly_Estimate Random bird noises.

    Joined:
    1 Feb 2010
    Posts:
    3,769
    Likes Received:
    929

    Thanks for the large response! And tips, just feel like I needed to vent and let it out, after trying not to let it bother me. I’m honestly having the best time of my life other than dealing with her, I’m going to spas with friends weekly, booking holidays abroad, and lots of other cool stuff I can only put down to my weight loss/muscle gain. Heck I’ve even had girls from the gym messaging me (which i’d never of thought would happen in a million zonking years!) and I have the funds to enjoy myself!

    Obviously I’m not looking to jump into another relationship anytime soon, but focused on having fun and enjoying myself. Just absolutely wish she would be civil. I was talking to some friends and they said the majority of relationships go this way, and with my first one I just got extremely lucky! Hopefully now I’ve removed all my belongings from the house, I only have to see her when I drop my daughter off.
     
    Idioteque and bsp like this.
  14. bsp

    bsp Minimodder

    Joined:
    25 Dec 2010
    Posts:
    510
    Likes Received:
    38
    Hugs to you. Hang in there. Rough situation.
     

Share This Page