I woke up at the crack of Dawn and said "Dawn, get off me face"..... She said "don't speak with your mouth full!".
These are apparently all real problems/complaints filed by Qantas pilots to the maintenance team and the replies that were submitted: Problem: Dead bugs on windshield. Solution: Live bugs on back-order. Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. Problem: Something loose in cockpit. Solution: Something tightened in cockpit. Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud. Solution: DME volume set to more believable level. Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Solution: Evidence removed. Problem: IFF inoperative. Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Solution: That's what they're there for. Problem: Suspected crack in windshield. Solution: Suspect you're right. Problem: Number 3 engine missing. Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search. Problem: Target radar hums. Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. Problem: Aircraft handles funny. Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. Problem: Mouse in cockpit. Solution: Cat installed. Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Solution: Took hammer away from midget.
Let me throw in a couple of the inevitable lawyer jokes. Apparently this is from an actual trial in the UK: A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her. She began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." The case was dismissed. Also, according to the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" "Were you present when your picture was taken?" "Were you alone or by yourself?" "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" "Did he kill you?" "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" "How may times have you committed suicide?" Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?" Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, you dummy, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." And finally, let's end with another classic: Dear Son, I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last North Carolina family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him. Mick says 'how you doin?' Paddy says OK, ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.' Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed . He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '. They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.' Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?' Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f'kin one?'
People are posting too many long jokes. Here's the world's shortest joke (courtesy of Jimmy Carr): Midget shortage
Unusually, I saw some cat's having a Swimming race, there were 3 British cats, and 3 French cats. The 3 Brits were: One, Two, and Three. The 3 French were: Un, Deux, and Trois. The Brits won, but only because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cink! Spoiler I.e Un, Deux, Trois Cat sank! (These sorts of jokes don't go well in text...)
Little Johnny bunks school early and goes home to find a man banging his mother. It wasn't his father! Before he can say anything, they all hear the Dad's car in the driveway. The mother puts her lover and son in the wardrobe, lest the father finds out about her sins and the boy's bunking of school. While in the cupboard: Boy: Wow, its dark in here.... Man: Ok, what do you want so that you keep quiet about this to your dad? Boy: Well, I have the baseball bat i've been trying to sell. $500 Man: $500!!!! Are you crazy? Ok ok. Here's $500, so keep your mouth shut. One day a few weeks later, the boy bunks school again and comes home to find his mother banging the man. Again the father arrives and the boy and man are bundled into the wardrobe. Boy: Wow, Its dark in here...... Man: Sigh, Ok what do you want. Boy: Well, I have a baseball I want to sell. $1000. Man: You're insane! $1000 for a stupid baseball that isn't even signed? Ok ok, here is the money. That Sunday, the boy is feeling guilty about his extortion of the man and for bunking school, so he goes to church. He goes into the confession box and sits down: Boy: Wow, its dark in here.... Priest: Don't start that s**t again!!!!
An African-american gentleman goes to visit his white farmer friend in South Africa. He sits on the porch, having a nice whisky with the farmer, when he hears: squeak.........................squeak..............................squeak.............................squeak............... He sees an african farm boy coming around the corner with wheelbarrow full of sand. The barrow clearly had a squeaky wheel. Hours pass with the constant squeak...........................squeak................................squeak.................................squeak until finally the farmer stands up, pulls out his pistol and shoots the farm boy. The african american gentleman is shocked and disgusted. "Why didn't you just give him some oil to lubricate the wheel, you racist b***ard?" Farmer: "Its not the squeaking that bothered me. It should have been going squeaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueak.
Whats twelve inches high and stands at the bottom of kids beds? Gary glitters boots........ yes i know its wrong
i was with this really fit bird and was so turned on that i couldnt help but have a cheeky **** under the sheet. either she didnt notice or was to polite to mention, but she just carried on cutting my hair..........
I'm tired of getting up in the middle of the night and changing diapers while my wife sleeps. It's not really fair is it? After all, it's her nan.
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there. The little boy says ''It's dark in here'' The man replies ''Yes, it is'' Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That 's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that **** again!''
Did you hear about the explosion at the french cheese factory? There was de brie everywhere! What did the cheese say to the mirror? Halloumi!
Continuing the cheese theme, What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho Cheese What do you call two spanish/mexican firefighters. Jose and Hose B A brain and some jumper cables walked into a bar. The brain walks up to the barman and asks for two beers. The bar man says no and tells them to leave. The brain asks why, to which the barman replies you're out of your head and your mate is bound to start something. A man walks into a bakery which has an "everything only £1" sign in the window. The man asks for a loaf of bread, the baker rings up his purchase and asks for £1. The man seeing a really nice cake on the shelf asks to buy that too. The baker says that'll be £4.50 please. The man replies I thought everything was £1, the baker says yes, but that's madeira cake. I'll get me coat.
Two short ones: I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)
Johnny is in his maths class on the teacher is teaching subtraction. "There are 3 birds on a fence, the farmer gets his gun and shots one, how many are left?" Johnny's hand shoots up. Being new to the school she doesn't know better, "yes johnny" she says. "None miss" "None?, How so?" the teacher replies. "Because one is dead and the sound scared the others off." "Well the answer I wanted is two, but I like the way you think johnny" say the mildly impressed teacher. "I have a question for you miss" says Johnny "Ok, go ahead" There are three women eating ice-cream on a park bench. One is biting it, one is licking it and one is sucking it. Which one is married? The teacher is slightly embarrassed and doesn't know what to say. Finally she says "well I guess the one sucking it". "Ah no" says Johnny, "it's the lady wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way YOU think"
