The secret service managed to obtain information from a terrorist. It wasn't easy though. They used every form of torture imaginable, ripped out the man's teeth, waterboarding, solitary confinement, but still the terrorist wouldn't break. Thank god for the Twilight saga DVDs.
Congrats to the winners! Good idea for a thread, much like the "I wanna tell you a story" xmas thread, even if you don't win you get a good laugh.
Back in the summer, I walked into our local B&Q hardware store, where I was immediately accosted by a old guy in orange overalls who asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily, I got the first punch in and that was the end of it. Close call though.
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming with anger. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “There’s no need for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you"
Two blondes and a brunette are grabbing onto a branch at the side of a cliff. The three are two heavy for the branch, and if one of them doesn't let go, they will all die. One blonde says she too smart to die, and the other blonde says shes too pretty to die. So the brunette volunteers to let go. The blondes clap. ........................................................... A dyslexic man walks into a bra ........................................................... What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? I have read and agree to these terms and conditions ...........................................................
“If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?” “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
“There’s an elderly Jewish man with a much younger girlfriend, who he can’t satisfy sexually. So, he decides to see his rabbi for advice. The rabbi says, ‘Next time you make love, employ a handsome, muscular young man to stand by your bed, vigorously swinging a towel above his head the entire time. That should do the trick.’ So the Jewish man hires a really fit male model for the night and then has sex with his girlfriend while the male model stands next to their bed, vigorously swinging a towel above his head. Nothing happens. The model politely suggests that the two men swap places, so that the model has sex with the girl and the Jewish man swings the towel. They swap places and, within two minutes of having sex with the muscular male model, the girl has multiple orgasms. The Jewish man looks at the model and says, ‘See? That’s how you swing a towel!’”
"Father Michael!" I shouted to the elderly priest, "Father Michael! It's good to see you again." "Hello Brian," he responded by taking my outstretched hand. "It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem so pleased to see me.....after.....well, you know what happened the last time we were together." I sensed his apprehension. "It's ok Father.. I don't blame you... It was my fault." "I wish I could feel the same," he said quietly. "But I should have known better." He turned his head away from me slightly and said quietly, "I'm really sorry. If it's any consolation, I ask God for forgiveness every single night." "Seriously Father.. It wasn't your fault." "It's nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty." "Don't," I replied, "I was the silly bleeder who asked her to marry me." ****************** Worried about what to get the missus for xmas? Just get her gift vouchers, her arse cant look big in gift vouchers.
The late, great Tommy Cooper: “A man walked into the doctor’s. He said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’ The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more.’” “Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.” “A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion. ‘The doctor says, ‘OK, you’re ugly as well.’” “A man walked into the doctor’s. The doctor said, ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.’ The man replied, ‘I know. I’ve been ill.’”
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
A tramp walks in to a bar and asks the barman for a cocktail stick. The barman obliges and the tramp leaves with his straw. About five minutes later, another tramp walks into the bar and asks the barman for a cocktail stick. The barman gives the stick, but makes it clear that it's the last one he'll give away. Another five minutes pass. A third tramp walks in and asks for a straw. The barman is puzzled and asks "I'm not going to give you any cocktail sticks, but why did all the other tramps ask for one, when you want a straw?" The tramp replies "Somebody was sick outside - and now all the chunks are gone...can I have that straw please?"
An Englishnman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all involved in a road traffic incident, killing all three of them. They find themselves transported to the reception desk at Purgatory, where a clerk explains to them what is happening. The clerk says, "I've referred your case to God and he says you will be granted entrance into Heaven if you can complete one test..." The clerk waves an arm, revealing a vast desert, stretching for many miles. "You must walk across this desert. Those of you that are worthy will reach the gates of Heaven on the other side. To aid your journey you may request one thing from God to help you." The three men stare out across the vast desert, assessing the enormity of their challenge, wincing at the punishing desert sun and undulating terrain. The clerk faces the three men in turn and tells them to make their choice. With their requests granted he wishes them well and they set out on their journeys across the desert. Three days later the Englishman arrives at the gates of Heaven, exhausted but in good health considering. Peter, who is guarding the gates, congratulates the Englishman and enquires how he has survived the ordeal. "I asked for an unlimited supply of drinking water to ensure I stayed hydrated", said the Englishman. "Well done", said Peter, "Welcome to Heaven", and at that he opened the gates and allowed the Englishman to enter. Eight hours later the Scotsman reaches the gates, crawling along the ground, struggling to hold an umbrella and looking unwell, but he's survived. When Peter enquires how he managed the feat the Scotsman explains, "I asked for this wee umbrella to protect me fair Highland skin from the Sun". Peter commends him for his stamina and allows him through the gates into Heaven. Twenty-four hours later there is still no sign of the Irishman. Peter locks the gates to Heaven and sets out across the desert to look for him. He eventually finds the Irishman, who had collapsed in a heap beneath the passenger door of a Ford Cortina, barely five miles from the start of the desert, alive thanks only to the slight shade afforded him by the door. Peter is flabbergasted. "What on earth are you doing with a door to a Ford Cortina?" he asks, looking down at the pitiful sight. The Irishman looks straight back up at Peter, equally flabbergasted. "Isn't it obvious, you big eejit? I saw how bad the sun were and knew if it got too hot I'd need to be able to wind a bloody window down!" This is the only joke I've ever remembered, having near pissed myself laughing when I heard it, aged about 8 years old.
In keeping with the time of year... Three men die on Chritmas Eve and meet Saint Pete at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this glorious celebration of the birth of our lord', Peter says, 'You must each produce something that symbolises Christmas, to get into heaven.' The first man goes through his pockets and pulls out a lighter, which he lights. 'This represents a candle', he says. Saint Peter nods approvingly and says 'You may pass'. The second man reaches into his pocket and pulls out his keys. 'These are bells', he says, giving them a shake. Saint Peter says 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man desperately searches through his pockets and finally pulls out a pair of knickers. Peter looks at the man with a raised eyebrow and asks, 'And just what do those symbolise?' The man replied, 'These are Carol's'
Mother superior announces to the assembly one morning "We have a case of chlamydia in the convent" A voice from the back shouts out "I hope it's better than that dodgy chardonnay we had last christmas" For sale - complete set of encyclopedias, 45 volumes, excellent condition. Free to a good home, no longer needed, wife knows everything.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought himself a warehouse! Ho Ho Ho! Well it is nearly Christmas!
