Two nuns are driving home one night to the convent in their Volkswagen beetle when they pull up at a red traffic light. While they are waiting, from out of the darkness, a vampire lands on the hood of the car, hissing and spitting at them through the wind-shield. The driver turns to the passenger and says, "Quick sister, show him your cross." The sister in the passenger seat promptly leaned out the window and screamed at the top of her lungs "Get off the bonnet you fu**ing c**t!"
Hand over the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk. ----- Lady: Do you smoke? Man: Yes Lady: How many packs a day? Man: 3 packs Lady: How much per pack Man: £10.00 Lady: And how long have you been smoking? Man: 15 years Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you smoke? Lady: No Man: Where's your Ferrari then?
Last night while I was sleeping I kept muttering, "Hobbit, hobbit, hobbit, hobbit, hobbit" I was Tolkien in my sleep!
An Englishman, an Irishman and and Americanl went on a pub crawl in New York. They all got plastered and the American decided to show them some of the sights of his city and they went up to the top of the empire state building. At the top the American said that he thought he could fly, jumped off the roof, flew once round the building and landed and said "thats easy when you have had a few - who is next ?" The Irishman thought he would have a go, jumped off the roof, bounced off the building a few times on the way down and crashed to his death at the bottom. The English man said to the American "Superman you are a real ******* when you get drunk"
Knock Knock Who's there? Nunya Nunya who? Nunya f**king business How to you stop a dog humping your leg? . . Suck it's d**k
Microsoft's Latest Venture News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive13, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive13 suite consists of three products: Condom13, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive13 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive13 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive13 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom13 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scalable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner. DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it's used. CONCLUSION: Contraceptive13 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera. Steve Ballmer is optimistic that "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years.
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: "Can I see your dad?" Johnny: "No, he's in the shower." Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?" Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too." Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?" Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.
Broccoli: "I look like a Tree." Walnut: "I look like a Brain." Mushroom: "I look like an Umbrella." Banana: "I don't like this Game."
Me: "My wife left me. She went out for milk and never came back." Mate: "Bugger, how are you coping?" Me: "Not bad. I've been using the powdered stuff.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
changed as some one already posted..... so my new one is Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
These are now going round the office and the best one from our office is A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband," You can have the shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him that he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked,"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when could spend only $150?". The man replied," Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later the rose form the dead. I am afraid it will happen to my wife.
That reminds me... A guy buys some Venison and takes it home for the family. "What is it?", asks his little boy. "it's Venison" he replies. "Yes, but what is that?", asks his little girl. "Tell you what", the guy says, "I'll give you a clue", "Sometimes, your mummy calls me it" After a few moments thought, the little girl's eyes go wide. "don't eat it", she yells at her brother, "it's a f***ing asshole!"
