Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
A black man goes to his Doctors. He says "Doctor, I have a big problem!" The Doctor says "What seems to be the problem?" The black man says " I can't stop running, I have tried everything but can't stop!" The Doctor has a little think...he then goes to his cabinet and pulls out a container of white powder. The Doctor sprinkles a line of it across his desk, and says to the black man "You need to snort this power" the doctor then hands the black man a straw. The black man snorts the powder up, and then comes to a complete stop! The black man turns to his Doctor and says "Bloody hell Doc, what was that white powder, cause it has now cured me?" The Doctor replies "Well son, it's DAZ, it stops colours running!" Hope you like, and no racistism is intended, as it is just a joke. Cheers, Simon.
Where do one-legged waitresses work? IHOP. It brings new meaning to tipping your waiter. What's the waitress' name? Ilene.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman go camping together. The Englishman goes off to catch breakfast and comes back with a rabbit. "How did you catch that?" say the Scotsman and Irishman. "I followed the tracks and caught a rabbit" the Englishman replies. The Scotsman goes off to catch lunch and returns a short while later with a deer. "How did you catch that?" asks the Irishman. "I followed the tracks and caught a deer" replies the Scotsman Later in the day the Irishman goes off to catch supper and doesn't come back for a few hours. Eventually he limps back into the camp leaving a trail of blood behind him. "What happened to you?" the Englishman and the Scotsman ask. He replies "I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."
Yoko Ono has been employed by the producers of "I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here", to advise contestants on Bush Tucker Survival. She has managed to live off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.
Here's some stupid ones... Paddy and Murphy bought a paper shop...It blow away... Paddy and Murphy joined the army, their first task was to blow up a tank...Paddy burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe... Paddy and Murphy was walking down the street, when Paddy fell into a manhole. Paddy says to Murphy "Call me an Ambulance!" Murphy replies "Paddy's an Ambulance, Paddy's an Ambulance..."
Santa Claus will not be visiting Stoke Mandeville Hospital this year. "The thought of another white-haired old man emptying his sack in the children's ward is too much to bear" said one nurse...
A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?" The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
The morning after Christmas, two brothers are in front of the tree. "So what did you get?" "I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten action figures, the new playstation 3, 10 games for it, and loads of cool t-shirts and clothes. And you?" "I got a pair of socks and a spiderman toy." "Is that it?" "Well yeah, but I don't have leukaemia." ********** 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse... I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors. ******************* I saved the best for last When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
I took the dog for a walk yesterday afternoon, and called in at the corner shop. On the way, I passed the local cemetery and I could see six Pall Bearers with a coffin, heading away from me. As I passed by again on the way back home, I saw them again - this time, heading towards me. I said to myself, then and there, "those guys have lost the plot".
Good one, you WIN a copy of Sleeping Dogs! This made my wife laugh too. You WIN a copy of Far Cry 3! Funny. You can have a copy of Hitman Absolution!
