Lying in bed facing the wife, I looked into her eyes & said, ''Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery'' ? She replied ''You mean I am worth millions'' ! I said ''No, I wish you'd f*ckin roll over''
What did the buffalo say to his son as he was leaving? He said, Spoiler "Bye Son!" Hint: Spoiler bison
Three guys are on a deserted island for a long time. One day they are walking along the beach, and a bottle washes up on the sand. One guy picks it - brushes off the sand - then a Genie appears. The Genie says, "I'll grant you each one wish." The first guy says, "I want to be in Las Vegas with 10 million dollars!" Poof! He's off to Las Vegas. The second guy says, "I just want to be back home with my wife and kids and happy again! Poof! He's off to be back with his wife and kids. The Genie turns to the third guy and asks, "What do you want?" The third guy says, Spoiler "Gee, it's lonely around here!" Then, he complains, "I wish those two guys were back here now!" :
I keep waking up each night wanting to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”. But it’s never more than a whim away
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! " Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault
Bloke walks into A&E with a big mac hanging out of his rear end......doctor takes a look and says it is one of the worst cases of aspergers he has ever seen. Bloke rushes into the doctors puffing and panting, sweating and shouting "I am a wigwam"....."I am a teepee". Doctor says....."you will have to come back later......you're too tense".
I had nasty accident today but I'm OK. I went horse riding and let's just say it didn't end up quite as planned. I got on the horse OK and started out slowly but he started to speed up and we were going faster than I was comfortable with until we were going as fast as the horse could go! I have to admit I was terrified!! Then the worst thing ever happened - I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, it just kept going around and around. Thank God the store manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the carousel.
BREAKING: UKIP release aerial footage of the search for Mike Hookem. Spoiler (Source: Twitter @thumbsuk)
And the Lord said, "Come forth and receive eternal life!" But... Spoiler John came fifth and won a toaster
What have George Michael and Ayrton Senna got in common ? They both died with skid marks on their helmets.
Small man wanted for mud flap. Must be flexible and willing to travel. What is the definition of agony? A fly sliding down a razor blade using his bollocks as brakes. What is the definition of total agony? scratch marks on the toilet door. What is a "poor man's cocktail?" a glass of water with a bogey in it. What is endless love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. What did Stevie Wonder's parents do when he was naughty? screwed door knobs to the wall. What did they do when he was really naughty? left the plunger in the toilet.
Got hold of a translated copy of the Islamic holy book the other day. It has certainly changed my view completely ! Inside was a story about Rick Parfitt from Status Quo, another few pages about Lemmy from Motorhead and even a new album review from Metallica !! So, all you doubters out there, I recommend reading a copy of "The Kerrang" if you get the chance.
Me to my co-worker: Me: Chuck did you hear that Kim Kardashian got tied up, robbed and put in the bath tub in her hotel room ? Chuck: I don't believe that at all....her butt would never fit in a hotel bath tub Funny stuff to start the week!!!
