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Relationship advice.

Discussion in 'Serious' started by Mojo, 21 Feb 2024.

  1. Vault-Tec

    Vault-Tec Green Plastic Watering Can

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    Or do the above and stay single.

    I can attest it’s not a bad life tbh.
     
  2. Mojo

    Mojo Multimodder

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    Appreciate the support and advice folks - cutting off and defining my boundaries today took a turn for the worse and caused chaos.

    Saying I wouldn't meet her tonight for a hug resulted in me being blocked on Facebook and WhatsApp - more insults were thrown and more drama. Mojo was calm and collected in all of this for what it's worth :)

    I think that decision was the right one!

    I made a public post on a local spotted Facebook group - I'm going to the gym on Sunday and spent an hour on the phone with a few people to talk things through... it's been a good first step!
     
  3. adidan

    adidan Guesswork is still work

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    Congrats my friend, it'll get easier but we'll done for keeping calm.

    Way back when I've had overly jealous and manipulative gfs who I've ditched. One threw punches which I rose above, another threatened to kill themselves and yet another went for my face with a knife. Thankyou natural born reflexes.

    Many lovely ones once I learned to spot potential nutcases :lol:

    I found my OH who I'm still with by not looking in the end and she's not punchy, stabby or jealous.
     
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  4. ElThomsono

    ElThomsono Multimodder

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    I'd not said anything as I'm not one for relationship advice, but I was considering her reaction would be the answer you need. Seems you've made the right choice.

    I will say, things can get harder in later life and you really don't want to find yourself moving from a good situation with a bad result to a bad situation that ends in disaster.
     
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  5. adidan

    adidan Guesswork is still work

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    Very much this.

    When you get that sort of reaction when you've made a difficult decision it's nice affirmation that you have indeed made the right decision.
     
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  6. Vault-Tec

    Vault-Tec Green Plastic Watering Can

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    Sometimes when you have been in a bad situation for so long it becomes normal. What I mean is, had I been able to step away from my first marriage I would have realised how terrible it actually was. The problem is when you commit and make it your whole life that feels impossible. As such you tend to stick in there thinking maybe it can get better, or at least not get any worse. But it does. And before you realise it? you are a million miles from who you used to be, where you used to be.

    At first it is hard. I didn't sleep, I almost starved myself to death, and yeah it was pretty awful. As time started going by though I realised just how terrible it all was. Which then puts you in a place of huge relief, as you know then that a lot of problems you had are no longer your problems, and you can only go on to make your own from that point on.

    In my second marriage I tried to do the polar opposite as the first one, as obviously it didn't work. I became so passive that before I knew it I had closed all of my social media accounts at her request, alienated myself even more and started arguing with my family.

    The second divorce was a world apart. I have never, ever been so happy to see the back of someone in my entire life.

    That was when I knew I did not want to tread that path ever again. Not for any one, no matter how special they claim to be.
     
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  7. Vault-Tec

    Vault-Tec Green Plastic Watering Can

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    BTW if you are any good at PUBG we are always looking for more meat shields , I mean squirrels, I mean people who are actually good at it (not us)
     
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  8. Canon

    Canon Reformed

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    Please don't take this the wrong way bud but I laughed out loud reading this. We are very much in the same boat, like reading a torn page out of my inner monologue! I'm sure you've felt the same way as I had done going through the exact same thing "Aren't we adults, we don't do this kind of thing anymore....right?" :lol:

    It's a relief to see someone else has been exhausted by this kind of thing but I've been wondering for a long time now, if it's pretty common behaviour is it a generation thing, a post pandemic thing?

    Anyway, very much in this together, you're the sort of person that's found yourself here so you'll always do alright for yourself even if we're crap company at times :thumb:
     
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  9. Mojo

    Mojo Multimodder

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    Not much of a gamer - but i would do a lot to find people who i get on with :D
     
  10. Mojo

    Mojo Multimodder

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    Isn't it odd - you might be right with it being a generational thing. We'll see how things pan out.

    I've taken some steps - found someone who is willing to act as a PT without the cost... also somewhat of a life coach. Hoping this will help with my general wellbeing too!
     
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  11. Vault-Tec

    Vault-Tec Green Plastic Watering Can

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    I think a lot of people these days are brought up and schooled to be single. Like when I went to school the girls did totally different things to us lads, and it was all focussed on being a husband or wife. It was also taught that divorce was bad and etc.

    I think now we are raised to be single. Or, we are raised to think that we should not have to put any effort into a relationship as it is easier just to walk away and find someone else. The problem with that thinking though is that many people therefore do not have to accept they did anything wrong nor modify their behaviour.

    However I do feel I had a point in what I said before. All of the men and women who wanted to be a family would have done so and will be happy with it, and there must be a reason why they are single. Especially those who have been married multiple times. That is exactly why after being married once I did not want to do so again. I had already worked out that the wedding and ring meant nothing, because what matters is whether you can stay the distance. So that was not of significance to me. However, I was pressured and hounded into it and so I did it. Big mistake. It just made everything ten times more complicated.

    I know what she was up to. She got cut out of her dad's will and wanted in on my mum's. In fact, at one point she even said to my mother "Oh don't worry he is terrible with money I won't let him waste a penny of it". So the most stressful part was literally praying nothing happened to my mother before that divorce went through. Especially because she had form. Long story and I won't get into that now.

    Suffice to say that even if I did meet superwoman, and even if sparks shoot out of her nanny and the heavens meet I will not get married to any one ever again.

    Until super woman shows up (hah, never) I am happy to just be me. My own timetable, my own schedule, my own life.
     
  12. DeadP1xels

    DeadP1xels Social distancing since 92

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    Been here. one of my earlier "serious" relationships really destroyed me... please get out while you can is my message. Some of the emotional trauma has had lasting damage in my case. She had all the red flags also and I was always seen as the problem... I had to change, lose touch with friends and family and become the introvert to keep her quiet and happy.

    She also had major trust issues but I naively believed it was just a part of her I had to accept. She'd had loads of ex's cheat apparently. I thought I could be the one to change her outlook on men.... I became the emotional punching bag by doing so. All her exes happened to be the most evil people yet mutual friends described them otherwise. I know people are different behind closed doors but I always found it weird how no ex relationship ended amicably... It was also something they had done to her.

    She had some questionable behaviour towards the end which made me wonder if she was really one to be trusted. Things exploded and one day we went our separate ways.

    For a while I was absolutely devastated and you'll feel the same way. I went through ups and downs of wanting to contact her but she'd blocked me like I had her. Despite everyone telling me different I started to feel like I was the problem all along.

    But eventually, when that black cloud lifts from above your head you'll realise it wasn't solely there for the ending of your relationship but the duration of it and you'll start to see clearly once again.

    After a while I removed the block because I'd come to terms with it. She tried contacting me a few months after and I said I didn't have time for games anymore... I too thought she could have been the one. Only now I realise how close I was to destroying my life.
     
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  13. Spraduke

    Spraduke Lurker

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    My ethos after 20 years of being with my partner (married for 13 of these) is this:

    Arguments and disagreements are going to happen but if you spend more time being unhappy than happy due to that person then the relationship is not a good relationship.

    Relationships are hard and take constant work and compromises from both parties to remain stable and happy.

    Personally I think mine has been much easier by virtue of meeting at age 18 before lots of emotional baggage and therefore growing together. I can't imagine the difficulties of bringing together two independent lives at age 30+ where you've got used to living alone with your own idiosyncrasies. In other words - no way I'm leaving my wife or doing anything that would make her leave because dating looks hellish!
     
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