Glad you're still with us. Family can be ****ing infuriating; interfering when they shouldn't, distinctly absent when you need them most. Annoying as it is, just know that itvl comes from love, and that you are wanted. Please keep that in mind. I've been a bit all over the place since Christmas. Having picked up smoking again towards the end of last year, and knocking it on the head again, I've been really quick to to rage especially, flipping out to ridiculous levels, I got annoyed that my **** glasses which have never fit kept slipping when trying to fix the washing machine, then when unhooking the drain pipe caused a mini flood under the sink,which my glasses fell into..... flipped out. They are now ex glasses. I'm pretty sure it's just nicotine withdrawal, having started when I was 14 I rather stunted my natural brain chemistry. But I'm also worried I've got acclimatised to the fluoxetine and it will need upping, which brings it's own challenges while I adjust. I don't know if I should take nicotine supplements, gum or spray or patch, because when I was smoking I felt really good. But part of that is the routine and physical act, that's why I loved smoking rollups. I don't want to vape, we don't know the long term effects, I fear that's going to be the next smoking when people end up with crystallised lungs or something. If it wasn't that Mrs crap would be very upset, I'd probably just smoke. Maybe, I dunno. Will speak with the doc and see what they think, there's a mental health gp at my docs I can get an appointment with, might be the best option.
That's what got me into this mess into the first place. Love. Being wanted. My parents and society at large, thought they were doing good and refused to let me die as a child, tinkering with things barely understood on a human timescale. If I had more time and resources, I would seek to make the medical procedure that was done to me reclassified as a crime against humanity.
While a far lesser extent, like galaxy cluster sized distance away, I feel that way about my botched hernia op. I'd love to take a lump hammer to the surgeons hands who did it, make sure he never hurt anyone else. Especially since he knew the instant he saw me doing the rounds post op, and basically ran away. Honestly I hope I never meet him again, because I'd likely spend a good chunk of time in jail after
That you're still here is a big deal, a really big deal. Every life is precious. And you're not alone, even though everyone's personal plight is different. My doc tried changing my meds over the Christmas period to help my insomnia (I went onto Mirtazapine for a few days) and it didn't go well at all. I'm still finding my feet but glad to have gotten past the worst of what was a thoroughly dark and unpleasant time. And to top it off, this time of year is tough: short days, long nights, not much sunshine. Your comment about lack of happy brain chemicals resonates with my soul. Hang in there.
Deeply relatable. This month started out rubbish. I get the tasks/keeping occupied thing, though. The main factor in my mental health seems to be how productive I am being. I love my work at the moment, and all those anecdotes about old boys being forced to take retirement and just giving up and letting themselves atrophy and die afterwards make perfect sense to me. If I have a day in which I've achieved nothing, at the end of it I just sit down and think "what's the ****ing point of me, actually?" But when I'm getting stuff done I really like my life, and even have a degree of egotism going on.
I suspect my family is reading this, but I don't care anymore. I asked my family if they were finally willing to let me end the suffering, and they reluctantly agreed. I turned over all all the admin passwords to the security cameras, phone system, media server, thermostat, computers, etc and transferred them every last cent I had left. As soon as I revealed my nitrogen bottle was at hand and I meant business they panicked and called the police. The hospital was overrun with patients and they didn't have a secure ward ready, so I was able to just walk out with nothing but a sweater and hat in -12C (and rapidly falling towards -25C) weather and go walking though an adjacent history themed educational park for ~6 hours. Tried to go via hypothermia but that was unpleasant, so ended up walking ~9km (~15km total) home and sitting in the hot tub to keep warm. Naturally, the cops were called again when I was discovered by chance around midnight, but I was declared competent the next morning and discharged. Now I and truly f****ed. No way out, bridges are burnt and it's going to be overnight temps approaching -25C for the next 11 days, so I can't even just leave and go camp somewhere.
I have no idea what you're going through your mental health struggles, family struggles—but it does sound like, in their own way, they do care? Hang in there, man. You're going through a lot, and I can't fully appreciate the darkness you're experiencing. But know that you have a place in this world, and people do care—even those you've never met. Be open to support, it sounds like you’d benefit from some form of talking therapy to unpick things, just don’t assume it’ll be the same. Happy to chat.
I chatted with the psych nurse and psychiatrist about this. I have no friends, no romantic partner, no job, no ability to have kids, blind in one eye and my face is downright offensive to look at. No amount of talking is going to fix any of that. Between the insane cost of housing, flat wages over the past ~15 years and rampant inflation in the consumer price index, I'd essentially be a paycheque to paycheque slave for the rest of my life. Not my idea of fun, especially living in a climate where -30C is a common occurrence in winter.
It's clear you have collection of crappy challenges, and it's completely understandable to feel the way you do. I really appreciate you sharing your feelings, it takes strength to do that, even if we are just a bunch of strangers on an internet forum. Your situation sounds incredibly tough, it's okay to feel how you do. Even if there doesn't seem like a clear path forward just now, sometimes even the smallest steps towards change can create a shift which unexpectedly changes your view and outcome overall. I would look to more community resources or support groups, its great you spoke with a psych nurse and psychiatrist already, its an amazing first step, I cant tell you how many people I know who have done a complete 180 on life after therapy, its something I personally really believe in. If you look to support groups etc you might not expect what you find, its the small victories matter, and finding a supportive environment can make a difference and lighten the burden. I'm not here to tell you what to do, and I know everyone's story is different, but I do know people and have several friends who had zero friends, multiple disabilities, both mentally and physically, been single for their whole lives, one with 3rd degree burns over the majority of their body. They are all still here thankfully (and some of them tried not to be) and I know their journeys weren't easy, and they may not have got everything they wanted on their list, some wanted kids and could have them, some will never work a day in there life because they physically just cant. I don't know what's achievable out of the stuff you listed, friends can come from many places, people can and do love each other for who they are not what they look like, jobs now a days are subjective with everything you can do online now, telling your story in a book could technically be a job. I don't know what your path holds. I don't know you personally, but I hope things work out for you , and I wish you all the best.
Edit: shared my own story with OP and now taking it off a public forum although I hope it helped some that may have experience with some of those issues. Always happy to discuss these things. I hope you read it play_boy and please message me if you feel to
I did see it. My mother is a piece of work, but other than some light attempts to beat religion into me, home was at least a safe place for me as a child.
Sorry to hear she did that. My bout of madness is when I discovered spirituality, having been an atheist up to that point. It's spiritual practice that has kept me alive. What was done to me opened me up to it but I have learned not to preach. "God" is a personal and individual experience, you can't make someone believe or know. To be clear I don't think God is a man in the sky, it is love or universal consciousness let's say. My suffering led to real bitterness and anger, but it has also been an opening to a divine which I believe is our real reality, these are just organic spacesuits our consciousness inhabits for 3 score year and 10. I appreciate this sounds happy clappy, and as a former atheist, I know how much this would have made me roll my eyes. Bit-tech is the last place I would share this but that I wondered if you had any spirituality in your life? I hope my fellow geeks don't metaphorically start throwing RAM at me
I leave a small agnostic door open and don't begrudge anyone who wants to explore their spiritual side. It's a natural human thing to do. As with all things human though, as soon as two or more people get together, you're gonna have problems.
My experience of church is that they're ironically some of the most unchristian-like people, sikhs do far more "Christian acts" than the vast majority. I don't belittle anyone's belief, science is it for me, but my experience and my perception of how much of my dad's time was stolen from me by church, had lead to hatred for it. Believing what a bunch of people in funny white coats say, a lot of which you don't/will never understand and can not replicate, well it's that or religion isn't it
Oh for sure, hypocrisy in church is real. Christians who believe they own morality are really doing it wrong, and deeply irritating. I do go to church and sometimes call it out. I also talk about how I meditate or have attended Buddhist meetings and watch their noses go out of joint God isn't a christian. Does that mean I can explain evil and suffering? No. I have some ideas about it I guess. I don't believe in omnibenevolence as we humans would define it. But I have this feeling of a greater 'design' in the universe or existence. But I remember when I was an atheist I expected this to be revealed to all humans in a way that would be incontrovertible. But now I don't think that is possible any more than it would be possible for you or me to kick over an ants nest and explain ourselves to them. Nevertheless, something shifted in me one day and I could feel love's presence. Love is about the only word that could describe it... I appreciate this is happy clappy stuff
Well. fu*k. I did it. My mother tried to kick me out, so I tossed some shrimp on the barbie in an enclose space and died. Woke up after three days, and a round trip flight to a hyperbaric chamber later. Got a month in the psych ward for that, again with no due process. Just for fun, I'm gonna do the medically assisted death thing. I don't need help with it, but maybe it will make the paperwork easier and bother people less. I'll keep everyone apprised as to how it goes, just because it's a novel topic. My shrink even noted that it's super cost effective from a medical standpoint, as it's like ~2k per day to keep you there.
