Glad you're still with us. Family can be ****ing infuriating; interfering when they shouldn't, distinctly absent when you need them most. Annoying as it is, just know that itvl comes from love, and that you are wanted. Please keep that in mind. I've been a bit all over the place since Christmas. Having picked up smoking again towards the end of last year, and knocking it on the head again, I've been really quick to to rage especially, flipping out to ridiculous levels, I got annoyed that my **** glasses which have never fit kept slipping when trying to fix the washing machine, then when unhooking the drain pipe caused a mini flood under the sink,which my glasses fell into..... flipped out. They are now ex glasses. I'm pretty sure it's just nicotine withdrawal, having started when I was 14 I rather stunted my natural brain chemistry. But I'm also worried I've got acclimatised to the fluoxetine and it will need upping, which brings it's own challenges while I adjust. I don't know if I should take nicotine supplements, gum or spray or patch, because when I was smoking I felt really good. But part of that is the routine and physical act, that's why I loved smoking rollups. I don't want to vape, we don't know the long term effects, I fear that's going to be the next smoking when people end up with crystallised lungs or something. If it wasn't that Mrs crap would be very upset, I'd probably just smoke. Maybe, I dunno. Will speak with the doc and see what they think, there's a mental health gp at my docs I can get an appointment with, might be the best option.
That's what got me into this mess into the first place. Love. Being wanted. My parents and society at large, thought they were doing good and refused to let me die as a child, tinkering with things barely understood on a human timescale. If I had more time and resources, I would seek to make the medical procedure that was done to me reclassified as a crime against humanity.
While a far lesser extent, like galaxy cluster sized distance away, I feel that way about my botched hernia op. I'd love to take a lump hammer to the surgeons hands who did it, make sure he never hurt anyone else. Especially since he knew the instant he saw me doing the rounds post op, and basically ran away. Honestly I hope I never meet him again, because I'd likely spend a good chunk of time in jail after
That you're still here is a big deal, a really big deal. Every life is precious. And you're not alone, even though everyone's personal plight is different. My doc tried changing my meds over the Christmas period to help my insomnia (I went onto Mirtazapine for a few days) and it didn't go well at all. I'm still finding my feet but glad to have gotten past the worst of what was a thoroughly dark and unpleasant time. And to top it off, this time of year is tough: short days, long nights, not much sunshine. Your comment about lack of happy brain chemicals resonates with my soul. Hang in there.
Deeply relatable. This month started out rubbish. I get the tasks/keeping occupied thing, though. The main factor in my mental health seems to be how productive I am being. I love my work at the moment, and all those anecdotes about old boys being forced to take retirement and just giving up and letting themselves atrophy and die afterwards make perfect sense to me. If I have a day in which I've achieved nothing, at the end of it I just sit down and think "what's the ****ing point of me, actually?" But when I'm getting stuff done I really like my life, and even have a degree of egotism going on.