*edit* In the news today, Brett Farve announced he will be opening a bakery with Adrian Peterson after retiring from the NFL. Their speciality? Spoiler Turnovers
Could be a repost, but here goes; A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, behind the bar he spots a Jar full of £20 notes. "What's with the jar of notes" he asks. "Well, that's our challenge jar, you put £20 in and have to do 3 challenges, if you do all 3 you get to keep the contents of the jar" the barman replies. "So what are the challenges?" "No, it doesn't work like that, you pay your money first". Realising the challenges could be anything the guy decides not to bother. 4 pints later the guy has got a bit more confidence and decides with all that money on offer it could be worth a go. "F*** it, he's a 20, what's the challenges". "Well" the barman says placing the note in the jar "The first is to down a pint of whiskey without pulling a face, the second is to remove a loose tooth from the pitbull out back, and the third is to bed the 90 year old virgin upstairs". Deciding the tasks were impossible the man curses at a waste of £20. After the man's tenth pint he was decidedly sloshed and thinks he can do anything. "Poor me a pint of whiskey" He downs the pint and manages not to pull a face, even though his eyes are watering and his throat in agony. He kicks the back door in and by now all the pub have turned their heads, all they could hear was yelps, barks, growls and screams. 10 minutes later the guy returns, covered in blood with his clothes torn to shreads. "RIGHT" he says "Where's this old bat with the wobbly tooth?"
not so much a joke, but funny anyway: Girl in work just asked "If the fan dies on your computer, can you use a hairdryer instead?"
Ok, this is kind of sick but here goes Whats the definition of a Twix? Spoiler Two Haitians, One bodybag. you were warned.
How many nymphomaniacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Spoiler Two, just don't ask how they got in there....
This next joke comes from the mouth of a beautiful blond model: 2 explorers go to Africa on an exploration mission, into the darkness of the forests , suddenly they are surprised by a tribe of cannibals, they are taken to the cannibal camp where the leader asks them (in a Jamaican accent) a simple question: ""Mokoto" or death?" One of the explorers says: "Nothing is worse than death, i want "Mokoto"" The chief says: "Give this white devil the "Mokoto"" Suddenly 10 huge black guys with huge dic*s come out of a tent and start raping the man while saying "Mokoto, Mokoto, Mokoto, Mokoto...." When they finish, the "Mokoto", the man is completely wrecked... Then the chief looks at the other white man and asks: "What about you? "Mokoto" or death?" The man looks at the other man, who is twitching on the ground, and says: "Mokoto is a fate worse than death, i want death!" The chief looks at him and says "Give this white devil the "Mokoto" to the death!" "Mokoto, Mokoto, Mokoto, Mokoto...."
Ok, this one is just a long, "normal" joke.. It has no tasteless dead Haitians in it, so if that is what you want, I have to disappoint you, but in the same time, I just saved you from reading something without dead Haitians in it... A Norwegian sailor walks in to a bar in some foreign port, and right next to the counter there is a big barrel full of money. The sailor asks the Barkeeper what the barrel is for, and the man replies; "That is for a bet, you see the horse in the corner, next to the dartboard?" "Yes, what about it?, and what bet?" he answers.. The barkeeper tells the sailor about it, "The person that makes the horse laugh, gets all the money in the barrel, but you have to bet $10 to give it a try" The sailor thinks about it for a couple of minutes, and decides to give it a go, so he walks over to the horse, and whispers something in his ear, and the horse starts to laugh... the barkeeper is shocked, and says, "that horse has been here for 5 years, and no one has ever made it laugh.. here, take the barrel... what did you say to it?" The sailor replies, "that is a secret.. thanks for the money..." and he left. two years later and the sailor is back in the same bar, and now there is a new barrel, full of money again, and the horse is still in the corner, laughing. The barkeeper recognizes the Norwegian, and tells him, "Please, make the horse stop, you will get all the money in the barrel if you can just make it STOP!" The sailor goes up to the horse and after a little while, the horse stops laughing, the sailor returns to the barkeeper, and this time the barkeeper says; "Tell me how you made it stop" the sailor begins to move the barrel, but stops a little and says: "Well, to make him laugh, I just told him that I have a bigger d*ck than him" "Okeeeey?" the barkeeper says. "and to make him stop laughing, I pulled down my pants and showed him"
Ok if we are getting onto the your mum jokes here goes. Your mums so fat that when fall onto the sofa Haiti suffered an earthquake. Your mums so fat she generates her own gravity. your mums so ugly that even the bank that likes to say "Yes" said "No!" Your mum is so fat, restaurants don't give her the menu, they give her an estimate. Your mum is so fat she needs two watches - one for each time zone. Your mum is so fat her blood type is Ragu.
